THINGS YOU DON'T SEE ON TV
by sg07
Summary: A Satyrical look at what you don't see happening on some of your favorite SCIFI TV Shows.
1. Chapter 1

**Things you don't usually see in scifi tv shows**

**USS Voyager (1)**

Tom Paris entered the Holodeck onboard the USS Voyager. After Five years in space and an ever increasing irritated B'Lanna Torres, his wife, Tom smiled to himself.

"Computer! Activate the ESH program."

A hologram version of Seven of Nine appeared in a very skimpy nighty. She smiled seductively while rubbing her breasts, "Please state the nature of your sexual emergency?"

Tom rubbed his hands together and then grinned broadly.

**USS Voyager (2)**

The Vulcan Security Officer, Lieutenant Tuvok entered the mess deck onboard Voyager. With as little emotion as possible he restrained a frown that always darkened his countenance as the Talaxian Neelix smiled with his furry face and insane mane of unruly hair, "Ah! Mr. Vulcan! Glad you could make it! Come, come have a seat."

Tuvok crossed the near empty room of the mess deck and took the seat indicated.

Neelix smiled broadly and brought over a covered box. "Thank you for agreeing to teach me Cao Tao."

Inclining his head, Tuvok nodded, "If it will improve your concentration and allow you to interact more efficiently then I am content on instructing you."

Neelix nodded, his pony tail like hair do moving in eggagerated up and downs. "Yes, I thought I would surprise you and I replicated the necessary object, but I must say, this Cao Tao must truly be remarkable."

"Why is that Mr. Neelix?"

Neelix frowned, "Because this is the most unusual game I have ever seen."

"Perhaps after I explain the rules of the game it will become clear to you."

"Yes, yes. I agree."

"Perhaps you could open the container and we could begin?"

Neelix smiled and said, "Of course!" Removing the lid reaching inside the box and removed a large plate and set it in front of Tuvok.

Tuvok stoically examined the plate in front of him without moving a muscle. Finally, he exhaled a breath he did not know he was holding, "Mr. Neelix, the game is called CAO TAO, not COW TOES. There are no BOVINE components to the game."

Neelix looked down at the plate of bovine hooves and then smiled widely, "Well, I guess I could always serve it for dinner!"

Tuvok barely suppressed a frown as he left Nelix alone at the table.

**USS Enterprise 1701-D**

The android, Lieutenant Commander Data walked onto the bridge of the Enterprise. Riker, Troi, Picard, Worf and Wesley were there. Data nodded to the no-name person sitting at his console and the no-name ensign nodded back and got up to leave.

Without preamble Data's arms and legs spasm uncontrollably and then he collapsed with a nervous tick.

Riker jumped up, "Did Data's evil brother, Lore, switch places with Data again?"

Counsellor Troi with her very generous cleavage showing, jumped up and exclaimed loudly, "Captain! I sense great confusion on the bridge."

Worf, the Klingon security officer growled, "Did you great Betazoid empathic talents lead you to this conclusion?"

Everyone stopped in mid stride and looked at Worf for a moment. He made an ugly frown, "What? Just for once I wish she would stop stating the blatantly obvious!"

Picard grinned, "Agreed, but perhaps we should table this discussion for the time being?"

Then Captain Picard called ships Chief Engineer, Geordi in enginnering, "Mr. LaForge! We need you on the bridge, Data has suddenly collapsed!"

Geordi's voice rang through out the entire bridge with cursing, "Dammit! I told Data not to download that operating system!"

Picard crinkled his brow in confusion, "What's that Geordi?"

He heard Geordi exhale over the commlink, "It's a computer operating system by Microsoft, it's called Windows Vista."

"I fail to see the problem Geordi?"

"We'll sir, it's a memory hog and eats up all resources in memory. I'm surprised Data had enough processing power to walk to the bridge!"

Commander Riker interrupted, "Can you fix him, Geordi?"

"O.k. o.k. It's an easy fix, just give me a minute and I'll come up and reboot him…again." Then more to himself, "Damn Microsoft! Even after four hundred years they still get government contracts!"

**Stargate SG-1**

Major Samantha "Sam" Carter intently frowned over her latest project. The room was filled with several personnel grumbling to themselves in the background. The temperature was steadily rising with so many people in one room. Tables lined the room, but were obscured by the great number of people.

Her face dripped with sweat as she frantically worked with all the fervor she could muster. The responsibility rested squarely on her shoulders. She could feel the pressure of everyone in the room and their expectations.

Sergeant Siler held a tool in the opened end of the equipment Sam was hurriedly working on. He accidentally touched the highly charged device.

Sam frowned, "Siler, Wait!"

Siler spasmed and made grunting noise before being blown back grasping his hand in agony.

Daniel Jackson ran to a phone and declared, "Medical Emergncy!" As sirens went off and announced even more pressure distracting Sam. Several people went to help Sergeant Siler.

Colonel Jack O'Neill turned back toward Sam and frowned, "Aw! Come on Carter!"

"Just one more minute Colonel. I almost have it."

"Sam!" Daniel Jackson exclaimed moving about in exaggerated circles, checking his watch.

"Almost there!" Sam exclaimed.

Teal'c wore a perpertual frown, "Major Carter, perhaps if you were to."

"Teal'c, I said I got it." Teal'c nodded his head and kept his silence.

"Aw! Fer Crying Out Loud, Carter!" Jack seethed.

"Sir! You have no idea how complicated this is. I have to totally rewire the harness assembly, check the contacts, balance the element, not to mention take into account the various current mathematical formulas for such a device, and don't get me started on the current M-Theory regarding electron particle degradation rates within the components operating dimension."

Jack rolled his eyes and raised his voice, "Yeah, yeah…can you fix the damn toaster or not?"

**Battlestar Galactica (New Series)**

Intro -

"The Cylons were created by Man. They rebelled. They evolved. They look and feel human. Some are programmed to think they are human. There are many copies. ...

and they have a plan."

A horrible crashing noise and an overweight man with grey hair, breaks the door down. He stumbles into the set, "No!" He exclaims in a dignified voice. "No!"

Ron Moore frowns, "Who are you…security, can you get this old guy outta here? And your paying for that door!"

"You got it all wrong!" His British demeanor smiled evilly.

Ron Moore frowned, "What are you talking about?"

Patiently he smiled back, "It goes like this…

**There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across**

**the universe, with tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of**

**the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. That they may have been the**

**architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or**

**Atlantis.**

**Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive, somewhere beyond the heavens.**

"Look, Patrick McNee is it? We've remade Galactica into a modern show, all right? No body would take serious that 70's crap…you got to dig deeper and have more realistic scenes of what would happen today in the real world if you expect to reach your audience…"

"Like that bloody, air headed tart, Paris Hilton in jail?"

"Well? I don't think you can compare real life to…"

Patrick frowned angrily, "You mean like on Survivor, how they betray one another's trust every episode to see who can show how much of a snake in the grass they truly are?"

"Exactly!" Ron nodded enthusiastically.

"Like how everyone on your remake sleeps with everyone else and has no morals about committing adultery, sodomy, murder, slavery, genocide, and the victimization of children?"

Ron frowned, "Well, ugh, I wouldn't go that far?"

"Come on, man! That has happened in just the first 2 seasons!"

"Alright, alright, whatever, come on, it's all about ratings"

"So you don't feel bad that you have turned a great icon of American television into a seedy little show on how petty, evil, and sadistic mankind really is?"

The guards showed up and Ron nodded to them, "Please escort the gentlemen out of the studio?"

Patrick frowned and fought against the security men, his eyes going wild seeking an exit "No one has dominion over me! No one!"

"Yeah, yeah, come one. Lets go, ole timer."

"You touch me again and you'll forfeit your life!"

Ron rolled his eyes, "Geez, come on guys and escort "Count Iblis" to the men in little white coats."

Down the hall he could still hear Patrick yelling, "Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny, the last Battlestar, Galactica, leads a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest. A shining planet, known as Earth."

Ron shook his head in disgust and yelled back, "That's Lorne Greene's line you idiot!"

"And they say I don't know nothing about the "REAL" Battlestar Galactica! Hmpph!"

**Doctor Who**

Aboard the Tardis, Rose Tyler and Doctor Who were spinning out of control. Rose bit her lip as she held onto a piece of equipment fighting off nausea from the ever spinning Time Ship, "You don't know where we are, do you?"

The doctor smiled child like, "Nope."

"Why don't you use the emergency stop?"

"What emergency stop?"

"Don't you even know where the emergency stop is?"

"Course I do, I just…ah…just don't want to…that's all." He said rather unconvincingly.

Rose caught on to his deception, "You mean you're the last "Time Lord" and you don't even know how to stop this bloody thing?"

"Well what do you want me to say?"

"My mother was right, you are an bloomin idiot."

"She said that?"

"Course she did, you were there."

Doctor Who smiled in remembrance, "Oh! Yes. I remember now."

"So you remember something 2 years ago, but you don't know how to stop the bloody Tardis?" "What kind of name is Tardis anyway…sounds like something you dip your fish into."

Who frowned, "No it doesn't"

Matter of factly Rose nodded, "Yes. It. Does. Now are you going to stop this bloody machine or am I going to blow chunks on you?"

Who thought about it, "Well, I'd rather you didn't?" Then in remembrance he pointed in the air, then pulled a lever. The ship came to a lurching stop as Rose projectile vomited her last meal, which had been a rather lovely meal in the mid 40th Century A.D.

The Doctor remained composed in that rather stoic British way and used his index finger to swipe at first one eye, clearing the remains of Rose's lunch, then finishing the procedure with equally the same amount of grace.

"Well, that could have been better. What say we go have a look, then?"

Rose put her hand to her mouth and laughed briefly, "Eww….ugh…sorry." She smiled apologetically.

"So if we don't know were we are, are you sure it's safe?"

"Of course I do. I am a "Time Lord" after all."

Who walked past rose without saying a word and opened the Tardis doors. "So if my calculations are correct, we are in the late 21st Century, near where your dear ole mum used to live."

Rose followed Who out the door and she was still giggling about what happened when she bumped into who, "Hey, watch it! Why did you stop?"

She peeked around the doctor whom had a shocked look plastered on his grimy face. She searched for what he was staring at and her mouth gasped in horror.

In front of them, several humans clothed in loincloth furs were tied by their hands and feet and hanging from 2 different tree limbs set into the ground. It looked like a hunting party had captured primitive humans.

Surrounding them were Man size apes clothed in leather armor, sporting sawed off rifles. The Apes looked up and one of them frowned then spoke modern English, "Aw! Hell! A Time Lord! There goes the damn planet!"

**Stargate Atlantis**

The wraith were coming, they were one week away from culling Atlantis. John Sheppard had known for more than a week now. The Daedelus was on it's return trip from Earth and would be late. He was worried this time. It just felt different to him. It was nothing he could put into words, but it permeated his entire being. Rounding a corner he entered Doctor Elizabeth Weir's conference room.

She sat at the head of the table, "Nice of you to join us Colonel." She liked teasing John.

Doctor Rodney McKay sat at the table going over his tablet PC, "Yeah, I thought you military types were always early to an event."

"Rodney, shut up or I'll tell Elizabeth about how you're the thief that keeps breaking into our reserve stores and swiping all the chocolate…Oh! I am sorry, did I say that aloud?"

Rodney looked up in horror and opened and controlled his mouth, looking for words, "I, ah…I was going to pay for that."

"Rodney." Weir warned. "Well discus that later. Right now we need to discuss what where going to do about the Wraith Hive ship on it's way here. Rodney, would you care to tell us our options."

"Oh! Let me see…Death my bombardment, Horrible Death by having the life force sucked right out of you, slow agonizing death by starvation."

"Rodney!"

"Elizabeth, what do you want me to say? We don't have any options."

John frowned, "What about that time ship that the SGC has? Can't we go back in time and make sure we don't wake the Wraith up in the first place?"

"Can't" Rodney said.

"Why not?" John asked.

"Because the SGC destroyed it, it was too powerful a technology to handle."

John frowned, "So, we just destroyed a device that could correct any future problems we might run into and save not only ourselves, but everyone on Earth? Come on! Do you really think the Air Force, no wait, the Pentagon would ever give that technology up?"

"Well? Ugh." Rodney stammered.

John snapped his fingers. "All we need are more ZPM's. If we had 3 of them, we could wait out the Wraith indefinitely, at least till the Daedelus gets here."

"Can't" Rodney interrupted.

"Why not?" John asked.

"Because we don't know where to find any?"

"You mean to tell me, that we have the largest repository of information about the Ancients at our fingertips and all we have to do is ask a computer and we can't get even an old, out of date map in this galaxy of any Ancient sites or structures?"

Rodney slumped in his chair, "I wouldn't put it exactly that way."

"Come on, we've got the smartest people in the world here, most have 2 or even 3 PhD's and your telling me no one thought about asking the damn computer for a map of Ancient facilities in the Pegasus Galaxy?"

Once again Rodney squirmed in his seat and said nothing.

John thought a moment more, "What about…what about." He thought outloud, "What about using that Alternate Universe Mirror? Right? All we need to do is go to one of those worlds were the mirror is still in it's original workshop on the planet it was found. Then grab the controller, and then we could go to countless worlds and grab the ZPM's."

Rodney shook his head, "Ugh…again…we can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Ugh, because General Hammond ordered it destroyed."

"You mean General Hammond ordered the mirror made of solid Naquadah destroyed. The same material the Stargate is made of? The same material that amplifies whatever energy is applied to it exponentially? The same material that would allow us to contact all the alternate universes and consolidate our resources together across the multiverse and maybe find an alternate Earth that might have the technology base to help us?

"Well, ugh, I wouldn't put it that way either, not exactly?"

"Did I mention the device was made of solid Naquadah, a substance so strong a Mark V nuclear warhead wouldn't destroy it? A device so dense that only a Mark 9 "Gate Buster" nuclear enhanced bomb could destroy it?"

Rodney nodded glumly, "Yeah."

"So you're saying that we have given up every tactical advantage we've ever had. No, let me restate the question, we have given up tactical advantages that the Goa'ould would have leveled every planet in the galaxy to possess?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders, but no one said anything, so John continued.

"What about sending over additional troops from Earth to defend the city?"

Doctor Weir responded, "We can't, the President said the military has too many personnel deployed in Iraq right now. We can't divert the troops from their mission."

John put his hand in his face and rubbed it painfully, slowly, "So, we are sitting on the most important discovery the world has ever known, an intact Ancient city loaded with the most advanced technology in 2 galaxies. So advanced that its over 10 thousand years old and it's still centuries more advanced than the Asguard are now, and the president is more concerned about a third world country that doesn't even want us there?"

Rodney opened his mouth to say something then thought better of it and closed his mouth.

"Is it to late to defect to the Wraith?" John asked sarcastically.


	2. Chapter 2

Things you dont see on tv

**Things you don't see on TV and Movies**

**Part 2**

**Smallville**

Clark Kent, the one and only future Superman, ran at supersonic speeds across the countryside wearing his new costume. It was red and blue, with a medium red cape. He sported a logo on his on the center of his chest, a large "L" and "P".

Quickly crossing a bordering state, he entered Kansas and soon found himself in Smallville and home on the Kent Farm.

Upon entering his mom looked up, "Clark? What? What are you wearing? Is that a Pizza delivery shirt you're wearing?"

Clark frowned and shrugged, "Ever since Lionel Luther found out about my powers, he found a way to put my talents to rest and make a profit."

Martha frowned and shook her red hair, "noticing something she had not seen before, "Clark are you sweating?" That should be impossible for Clark!

Clark shrugged and frowned, "You would too if you had to deliver pizza in 45 seconds or less across the United States."

Martha's hand went to her mouth, "Lionel Luther gave you a job, delivering pizza's across the country in 45 seconds."

"Or less" Clarks watch beeped, "Oh! It's been 20 seconds! My break is over Mom, gotta go!"

With a sonic boom, Clark was gone, leaving a dust cloud in his wake.

**Heroes**

"I can't understand what you're saying." Peter Petrelli said.

"I say…safe ta cheerweeder…safe ta werld." Hiro Nakamura said.

"What?"

"Do yu heere the werds cumming out my mouth?" Hiro questioned with utter frustration.

"What? I can't understand you…you from Chin-er or something?" Peter asked.

"Tokoyo, Japan."

"Tok-kay-yo? You mean you are from the Toyota Corporation?" Dude don't you know you're supposed to only buy American? Geez! That's what's wrong with this country today!"

"Tokoyo! I am from Tokoyo, Japan!" Hiro exclaimed.

Peter huffed and said with extreme frustration, "Look Mister, I can't understand you but that's not important right now, because we have to save the cheerleader, to save the world!"

"That's what I say!" Hiro said angrily.

"What? Do you know how stupid that sounds? Save the cheerleader, save the world."

"Ugh!"

"Look, Hiro…you're a smart guy…you know this cheerleader can heal herself from any injury? I mean if we burn her, she heals, if we shoot her, she heals, right?"

"HI…I mean…Yes."

"So…if you were to follow that train of thought…"

Hiro frowned, "So sorry…not understand!"

"Hiro…if the girl has superpowers that she can heal any injury…ergo…she can take care of herself…"

"Agh, "Hi", I undertwand, we go…get sake."

"You got that right my English challenged friend."

And to the duo, the world could wait till after "Happy Hour".

**Painkiller Jane**

The thing about life is that it sucks. No matter what you do, nothing matters…Pains a bitch.."

A guy steps in front of the camera and looks at the camera, then at Jane, "Ugh, you know you really need therapy don't you?"

Jane seems to notice her audience for the first time, "What? I am just stating the facts."

"Jane, you have the ability to survive just about any physical injury or disease known to man and instead of dying horribly like the rest of the planet you're clinically depressed over being nigh unto immortal? Do you really want to start your own show off by showing how you need extensive therapy and medication."

Jane smiled evilly and pulled out her semi-automatic pistol, "Yes, but you can't heal yourself."

"So, agh…I should shut up now?"

Jane grinned and shook her head, yes.

Jane smiled and said, "Like a said, Life's a Bitch." She eyed her audience once more as she cocked her pistol.

**Star Wars**

Darth Vader telling Luke Skywalker that he was his father…

Luke put his hand up, "Wait! Your telling me, that the first girl you ever had a crush on was at age 8, which was also the same chick you married at age 18? Come on Darth! That's sick."

"What? Luke! It was love. I loved your mother, Padme."

"Dude you were like 18 and she was at least 30. Gross! Come on! I know she had a bony ass, but surely she could have found someone else close to her age in a bar?"

"No, wait…" hsssshdhdfff Darth's rebreather hissed loudly. "It's not like that."

"What, next you're going to tell me she was your school teacher and you ran away to Mexico with her?"

Luke suddenly couldn't breathe. His throat contracted and he began to suffocate. "All too easy." Darth commented and squeezed his fingers together more. Then he added, "Who's your daddy now? Biotch!"

Lukes eyes bulged out and Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith laughed.

Luke faded in and out of consciousness and had enough, "Ben! Ben Kenobi! Help!"

A glowing ghost-like figure appeared in a brown robe. Ben Kenobi or Obi-Wan Kenobi as he was called in a previous life frowned, "You know, I spent a lot of force energy, time, and effort to get you trained by the last Jedi Master, Yoda on Dagobah, and you are reduced to a silly little child strangling on nothing but a first level Jedi Padawan learner trick."

Luke reached out his hand to Ben, "Ben, help me!"

Darth turned his head and looked around trying to see whom Luke was talking too., "Ugh, look, you know you're probably having a bad day, but if you're not going to take this strangulation seriously, I'm just going to kill you, o.k.?

Ben shook his head, "All right, listen Luke, this is your one chance, What did Yoda tell you about the force?"

Luke tried to focus, "Ah, that it surrounds you and binds you…or some crap?"

Ben put his hand on his head, "Think! Luke. Use the force!"

"I, I thought Yoda was kidding, you know a joke after all that plant vapor he smoked after dinner?"

Luke was mere seconds from death, Ben shook his head, "All right, let's take a chapter out of a girl's life. When a big man is choking you to death, you do what?"

Luke thought a moment then his eyes brightened, "Ah, I, I kick him in the balls?"

Ben put his finger to his nose and said, "I once had a dog and his name was "BINGO!"

Luke mustered every shred of the force within his being and kicked out with all his might. After a satisfying crunch, the Dark Lord of the Sith squeal like Michael Jackson at a child's slumber party, then fell over wheezing harshly.

Luke got up and smiled, "Now! Who's you're daddy, biotch!"

Ben put his hand over his eyes, "Aw! Crap! Maybe there's still time to train the mighty Morphin Power Rangers?"

**Star Trek Enterprise**

"It's been a long road, getting from there to here.

It's been a long time, but my time is finally near.

And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing's in my way.

And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna hold me down.

Cause I've got faith of the heart."

Gene Rodenberry jumped out of his grave and screamed, "No! No! No!"

Rick Berman, the executive producer smiled at the board meeting, "Well, Start Trek Enterprise ratings could have gone better, but I think ole Gene Rodenberry would be pleased."

The door to the conference room shattered as Good Old Gene burst through the door screaming, "No! No!"

Rick wet his pants, "My God! Gene you're alive! You really are the great bird of the galaxy!"

"Are you stupid? This was not what I envisioned? Did you ever read my material? Did you even watch a classic Star Trek episode?"

Rick sat confused, "I, ugh, what do mean?"

"What's all this crap about the Enterprise being the first ship, the first ship was the Daedelus, and it was part of the "Solar Fleet?"

"Ugh, Gene, I know you been out of it for awhile, but the audience knows the enterprise name, so we had to use it."

"Star Fleet didn't exist till after the unification of the charter members of the Federation and after the Earth-Romulan war!"

"Ugh, Gene, really! Come on, you know this is just a story right?"

Gene paced back and forth like a caged animal, "You'd destroy the timeline! My God! Man! Think of the Prime Directive!"

Rick turned an incredulous face to a co producer, "Ah, o.k., Look Gene."

"Did you even read the outlines I wrote? Next you're going to tell me that you're going to have some stupid space time crap with weird Darwin-Like-Grab-Bag-aliens dominate the first two seasons?"

"How did you know about the Xindi?"

Gene's eye's rolled up into his sockets and he let loose a blood curdling scream.

The aftermath left a lot of blood on the conference room table. The police did not ever find anything but Rick Bermans shoes and a note with the Starfleet emblem embossed in the background."

It read, "He's dead, Jim!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Things you don't see on TV and Movies**

**Part 3**

**Yoda teaching Adam Sandler, AKA, the "Waterboy"**

Yoda, the last Jedi Master of the Old Republic sat on a giant toad stool on the swamp world of the Dagobah. After Luke ran off to foolishly face Darth Vader on the gas mining planet of Bespin, he was forced to take a new student.

After serious contemplation and mediation in the force, he conjured up his new pupil. The feat left him seriously drained but if the new pupil were as promising as the force led him to believe, then Luke Skywalker would be of no further use.

A blue glow coalesced as Yoda opened his eyes as the blue mist swirled in front of him. The figure took shape and formed a flesh and blood man. Yoda's eyes widened as the seemingly impossible happened.

A young human male in his early twenties was posed in a strange contorted expression. As soon as the man was made whole again his mouth screamed hideously. He stopped with his arms held high attempting to ward off an unseen attacker. His blue leisure suit that was his "daddies" was of the lowest caliber that could be made by man. The man looked in all directions. "Oh! Thank God! I am still in Louisiana!" The man turned in a circle and somehow missed Yoda sitting on the large toadstool

"Arrived you have." Yoda said.

"What? Who said that?"

He searched but didn't see anything.

"Said it I did."

Turning he noticed Yoda for the first time. "Whoa! That's a big toad." He bent lower standing six feet away and scrunched his eyes up. "That can't be real."

The "Toad" spoke to him, "Toad I am not. Yoda am I."

The man turned around in a circle, "Momma!"

"Yoda." The "Toad" said.

The man looked at him and dismissed him, "Momma says that toads can't talk." He stated matter of factly. Then turned around, "Momma!!"

Yoda became incensed and tapped his cane on the toadstool that he sat on. "Come here you have. Train you I will."

"Train? What train?" Distractedly he said, "Why, why are you wearing clothes? Toads don't wear clothes." Turning away from Yoda the young man frowned and yelled again, "Momma!!"

Yoda frowned, "Already said too much I see."

"What? Why, why you wearing clothes. Momma says you not supposed to play dress up with God's creatures." The man vividly entered a flashback of himself as a ten year old boy being caught having baby clothes on a frog in the bayou back home in Louisiana. His momma stuck her portly face out and said angrily, "Bobby! Bobby Buchett'."

"Yes momma?" The skinny kid said.

"Are you dressing up God's creatures again?"

"But momma? I am lonely. Why can't I play with other kids my age?"

His momma ignored his question and said, "Bobby Buchett' dressing up God's creatures is the devil! The Devil!" Then in a conciliatory tone she said, "You'll never be alone, Bobby. Not as long as you're Momma loves you. Now! Come inside and let's eat your stew."

"Aw, momma! I don't like eating toad stew. It's so slimy!"

"Now Bobby Buchett'! You don't sass your momma! Toad stew will make you big and strong like your daddy was."

Bobby came back to the moment to find the giant toad was poking him in the nose with its cane. "Ow! Toads aren't supposed to be poking people."

Yoda lowered his cane. "Name yours is?"

"What?" Bobby asked confused.

"Called by are you?" Yoda said.

"My name…ugh, Bobby Buchett', but why are you talking like that?"

"Talk this is how I do."

"Ugh! Stop it! You're your giving me a headache! Stop talking backwards!"

Yoda recoiled in shock but continued. "Summoned you the force has."

"I am sorry Mr. Toad, but no one summoned me."

"Yes were you."

"No."

Yoda frowned. "Yes."

"No."

"Summoned you by the force I have."

"Look, Mr. Toad, this is my swamp and if you're not careful, Momma's gonna have you for dinner and you wouldn't like that one bit. Nope."

"I am Yoda, the last Jedi Knight. Here you are to train like myself you are."

Shaking his head, "Nooo. You're in my back yard and momma's going to find you and cut your head off and use you for stew. Then momma's going to nail your head up her wall and sell it to the Enquirer as the world's first talking toad."

Tapping his cane he snapped, "No! Train you will! When nine hundred years old you are then your counsel will I keep!"

"Whoa! Your nine hundred years old? That's one old bull frog!"

"Hmphh! Frog I am not! Jedi Master I am."

Then Bobby looked up "Momma!"

Yoda frowned, "No more. Come we will train!"

"Bobby Buchett!" A stern female voice called out.

"You better not be playing that "FOOSBALL" again with no frog!"

Yoda's eyes widened and he whirled around defying his age with the quick and pronounced movement.

An overweight, human woman stood before him with a baseball bat. He had a moment to wonder where this human woman had come from. In that one moment, the last Jedi Master realized that only a powerful force wielder could have snuck up on him and incapacitate him with such a swift attack. That moment came and gone just before the bat hit him in the forehead with a thunderous crack.

"Oooh. Strong in the force are you." Yoda said, as his eyes rolled up into his head.

**Epilogue:**

That month Momma received more attention than she ever had. First the Enquirer magazine reported how "Cajun woman discovers talking Toad"

She managed to convince a traveling circus to purchase her talking pet toad for ten thousand dollars. She purchased her beloved son a new baby blue leisure suit and a new riding lawn mower.


End file.
